Who I am today, and ever growing

How I went from devout Christian, to not.– My Journey.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought about how to address some things in my life that many people have inquired about, behind the scenes, and some openly.

As everyone in this life experiences, on our own personal journey’s, things change. We evolve, we grow. I like that. I like learning, and expanding my views in all areas of life. It’s exhilarating for me. It can be hard when facing hard times, but those too, can offer us growth on many levels.

Many of you know that I was a pretty zealous Christian, for quite a big chunk of my adult life. 12 years. I’ve read the bible a total of 6 times. I’ve done inductive Bible studies through 12 books of the bible. David 2 times, and Revelations 2 times. I have many verses memorized. I read the Bible every day. I prayed every day for others. I lead MOPS (Mother’s of Preschoolers, Christian outreach), for 2 years, and leadership, a total of 6 years. I worked for our senior Pastor, at our home church for 2 years. Pretty extensive and very committed life to my faith. And now I no longer am.

Many people have their own explanations of what happened to me, and why. It is important to me, to share my WHY, to everyone who is interested. To everyone who would genuinely like to know how I’ve come to this position that I am in, and will remain for the rest of my life.

Christian friends use to be afraid for me that I would fall away from god if I got divorced. Or did yoga. If I wore a certain piece of jewelry that was considered to be “New Age”, that I would be opening the door to Satan. Some people think I was never really a Christian, if I’m no longer one. Really? Now, anyone who knows me, knows I’m a sincere person and put my all into the people I love, and beliefs. I’ve had some of the craziest things presented to me on this front, that I felt it necessary to come out and share with you my heart.

I would say, looking back, I may have been a bit of a challenge for my Pastor’s, and mentors. I’ve questioned a lot. Always feeling a void of an intelligent response. Though, I respected the people I went to for questions, so I would go home and dive in deeper to learn more, and try to dot the i’s and cross the t’s, but it wasn’t working for me. I didn’t talk about it with very many people, and shy’d away from voicing my thoughts, because it was just easier for me to keep going through things the way I’ve been taught to. Blind faith. VOID.

It’s been about a 6 year struggle of trying to keep my faith, even though deep down I didn’t believe in that anymore. I felt like there was something wrong with me. It wasn’t until I started doing some research of my own, that I was able to feel comfortable with myself again. I had a few friends that I would talk with about it, and the more I did, I found that more and more people think similarly to me, and that was nice too. I still was not ready to say, “I don’t believe in god.” Though, I didn’t believe in the Bible, and it’s writing. It wasn’t until I had a friend as me point blank, “Do you believe in god or don’t you?” My initial response, was “I don’t know.”

So, lets set the record straight, once and for all.

I’m not angry with god...

I do not believe in ANY of the gazillion GOD’s that have been created by man. There is no god.

I do not believe in Heaven.

I do not believe in Hell.

I do not believe in Satan.

I believe in my children.

I believe in my family and loved ones.

I believe in myself.

I am free to question anything, and not feel bad about it. Nor do I have the need to feel like there is something wrong with me for not believing in an invisible lie that has been plagiarized for far too long, in my mind.

If you don’t believe in the Easter Bunny, Santa, the Tooth Fairy, or Zeus, etc. If you are skeptical of every other religion out there, but your own, doesn’t that seem questionable to you?

I remember Noel coming home from school one day when she was 13. She asked me why we were christian. My response was, “We", are not. You get to make up your own mind on that, and it will come in time. You get to choose, because this is your journey.” Some may think I’ve raised my children to be Christian, but the truth is, I didn’t. I raised my children, and at the time, trusted god with them to let them come to their own conclusions, so they could believe whatever they did with their own sincerity. Of course I thought they would eventually believe in the same thing I did, because that is how I was living and the examples I set. But really, I’ve always known, they are their own individual person, and I have so much respect for that. I purchased a book for Noel that was descriptive on probably 100 different religions and beliefs. I would say that was the start of my struggle. I wound up reading the book for myself, and was floored. I still dismissed much of it, and went along my way of believing. But it did resonate, and it nagged at my brain for a long time. One of the many things that did.

I did not fall away from god, when I got divorced.

I did not fall away from god, when I started practicing yoga.

My boyfriend did not influence my beliefs. However, we are in agreement with our position.

I walked away from a belief system that no longer made any any sense anymore. I grew. And I hope to always have an open mind, to growth and learning in every area of life.

Stay tuned. There is more to come...

Think good thoughts.